The Hunt for Phil Begins

“You know the Council of Nine isn’t going to go for this, right?” Mr. Claus had mumbled with apathetic caution. He drew a hot cherry of his wooden pipe, the rich tobacco adding a fitting haze to his humid, humble Havana office. The sweet stench of heat, wood and rum still overpowered the smoke.

“My balls are already in a vice with them as it is. It doesn’t help that my work overshadows the bosses’ birthday. That puts me on thin ice already, you know. Now you’re here to put this shit on me? I don’t need this.”

I stared through his steel grey eyes. They had a cold quality; as if they had seen countless lifetimes. Maybe they had. I wasn’t sure. All I knew was I actually was quite fond of this man, but I was desperate. My despair formed rage and it slammed my fist on the thick wood of his desk. It hurt like a motherfucker.

“Now you listen to me- you fat, sorry excuse for a demigod! I don’t give a hot, sweet fuck with Eleanor goddamn Roosevelt that you got issues with the Council of Nine. We all do- they’re dicks. That does not change the fact that one of your miniature servants is out there, making life Hell for me and all mankind! Will you do nothing? Or fight, like a man!?”

Mr. Claus drew again from his oak pipe. His face was cherry red; the sweat from the heat and the anger now almost a vapour. His eyes pierced my soul, smoke now smouldering from his nose. Despite his anger, he knew that I was right. He sighed remorsefully.

“I created all of the Elves with powerful magic borrowed from the Council. I don’t even fully understand it. Phil is no exception. His lust for power and weaponry grow; malevolence in his tiny black heart. The Council isn’t going to like it, but it is true, my creation and my mistake must be destroyed. It is of the Fallen.”

The silence was deafening. I rose from my leather chair with the pace of a Redwood tree’s growth. I picked up a burlap bag from from his floor and a hammer from his workbench. We gave an unspoken nod of agreement as I walked out into the blistering Caribbean heat. We both knew what must be done.

You can’t ask Snap, Crackle or Pop how damn good I am at my job, because I did it well on them. Oprah Winfrey, your TV career, nor a fake doctorate can save you, I’m comin’ for you Phil. Cash me outside.

The Man Who Could Not See

The man who could not see
He had perfect vision
He lived his life totally blind

The man who could not see
He grumbled at the rain, the snow, and the cold
When the sun came out, and the ice began to flee
The man did not smile, he did not go outdoors
The man complained because the wind was too sturdy

The man who could not see
He wanted a better life
He wanted a better wife
He gaped and gawed at beautiful women all day long
He wanted them to gape and gawk at him
But that foolish man, he could not see
The beauty and value of the woman he went home to every night
The best woman for him in the world
The woman who thought the world of him

The man who could not see
He dreamed of success, power, and fame
He dreamed of the jealousy of his peers
He did not know why his life just stayed the same
But he continued to daydream and cracked another beer

That poor man who could not see
He only looked at what he did not have
He wondered why his life felt empty
While he fixated on the non-existent
He assumed the world desired only the possessions and qualities
In which he did not possess or qualify

The man who could not see
He had perfect vision
He lived his life totally blind

 

This Is Painful

Impatient hunger pangs strike- it’s the early afternoon.
Another meeting now, they’ve all been different and they’re all the same.

What would the board say? Can you read this month’s sales promotion? Did we file that insurance claim?

Noble words of changing lives and changing the world.
These come from the mouths of those sitting on a floor or in a comfy office chair.

WE CAN LIGHT THE WORLD AFIRE!

But first, we need to review the protocol that we must follow.
Remember your name-tag and remember your uniform.
Those in navy blue shorts have no place in our black pants norm.

Empty words of emptier actions,
Followed of course by self- congratulations.
High-fives.
Back-pats.
Middle-management shout-outs, a place of no doubts.
The inability to see this masturbatory procrastination.

Procrastorbation.

I don’t need a shout out, I NEED TO SHOUT OUT!
Thousands of pounds of pressure constrict my vibrating frame,
like the depths of the Ocean on one of Jacques Cousteau’s vessels.

This was written during one of these meetings.
I have to do something productive.
Leaving and never attending again is becoming more seductive.

But I’m polite- I never take my phone in, otherwise, I would text.
I only survive through daydreams of food, beer, and sex.

 

Rent

Rent music and movies with our streaming
Rent a house and rent the heating
Rent a car, rent the bar

Renting humans cannot be far
Wait.
It’s already here
You can rent a bodyguard out of fear
Or rent an escort, just hide the shame and tears

Rent a prostitute, pay to unsanctify the beauty of life
Take her to a restaurant, rent a fork and a knife

You own nothing in life but don’t owe anything in life
Pay your taxes and pay your bills, please
You are renting this life, and these are fees
Because you leave them to your children when you pass on the lease