My Top Facts That Sound True But Actually Aren’t.

To tell the truth, I am completely full of shit. Do not make the mistake in thinking that I am a bad person because of this, it is really on the contrary. I am one of the few people out there who is honest about how full of shit I actually am.

I understand and accept this about myself so that instead of using my inclination for deception to sell you a steal-of-a-deal 2008 Kia Sorento that, “my manager is gonna be so pissed I’m giving it away for this low”, I channel my deceitful ways into my writing. A writer is essentially just a bullshit artist on paper, after all. I have met enough writers who write bullshit and see themselves as artists, anyway.

But enough of me passing off my flaws as strengths as if I’m in a job interview at Sherwin-Williams Paints that I showed up a half hour late and visibly hungover for. I want to talk about you. You are a nice person, but honestly, you’re a little boring. You know this and all of your friends now this. Your suspicions are all correct, your friends and family definitely do talk about you behind your back and none of it is good. I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you, but we talk and they all agree with me. Your uncle has started gambling again too, by the way. Now, before you accept this and go back to watching Grey’s Anatomy and scrolling through NowThis articles like the dull, sad, creatively-bankrupt sack of shit that you are, just know that there is hope.

In the unlikely event that you get invited to a party, it’s integral to create the illusion that you are well-informed, clever, and funny. To do this, all you need to do is to tell fellow party-goers these essential facts to be rewarded with a slew of admiration and respect. Keep in mind that none of these facts are real, but the fact is it doesn’t matter. All you have to do is spit them out with conviction and you will be on your way to being the seemingly interesting person that every struggling Instagram influencer aspires to be.

Without further ado, here they are:

  • A mile is how fast a steamboat can travel in an hour.

 

  • Heineken was invented as a cheap cure to allow Dutch people to forget that they are Dutch.

 

  • The bass guitar was developed by the Christian Mentors Network as a means to allow their members to pursue music and retain sexual abstinence.

 

  • Curling is the only sport left that’s whites-only (I’m actually not sure if this one is fake or not, research it before you use it).

 

  • There is a law in Val Marie, SK that states a man can have sex with his cousin. But he can only do it once, and only if she’s, like, crazy hot.

 

  • Scientists have yet to answer whether men with mustaches develop foot fetishes or if men with foot fetishes prefer to grow mustaches.

 

  • Women evolved from birds.

 

  • Pornography started out as the first indie wrestling films during the 1920s and the genre just kind of got out of hand.

 

  • Morrisey has a part-time job as a collection agent working out of Rawlins, WY. He doesn’t need the money or anything, he just enjoys being a dick to poor people.

 

  • The Premier of Saskatchewan, Scott Moe, is a woman and she actually makes a decent broccoli casserole. Her husband, Darrin, is a pretty chill guy, too.

 

And there you have it. I doubt that you will handle these with dignity or grace, but if you can manage to sputter one of these out to another human being and not spittle Cheeto-dust and rancid breath on them, you might do OK. Until next time, always remember that it’s better to be full of shit than feel like shit.

-BD Charles.

 

 

 

You Don’t Know What You Lost

The Selfish Fool, The God of Weakness
Run, run away
Run, run away
Run, run, run away lest what you create

Grows

Grows to bring light to existence, light to humanity
Light to fate
Bring light to your fate
But you prefer the dark
The dark-  hide where it is safe
Where you can hide from failure, hide from human spark
Hide where there is no need to fight

Hide, hide away
Hide from the one
Who would starve to death
To give a meal to your son
So that he may live another day, take another breath

Hide, hide away
Hide, hide away
Hide from your greatest gift to the world
You do not know what you lost

God left his only son
For the sake of mankind, for the sake of the world
A lighted faith, a fighted Death, a lamb to the slaughter

The God of Weakness
Left his only daughter
For the sake of himself, for the sake of retreat
A coward’s fate: a weakling’s life, and a girl without a father
The God of Weakness
He couldn’t accept the challenge of life, he is too pathetic for even basic feats
Like Gestas on Golgotha, he does not have the strength to endure any stress
He’d rather take the easy way, the coward’s way
To deny, to run, and to hide, to never suffer defeat

Run, run away
Run, run away
Light cannot blind you when your back is turned
This light is too bright for you
God of Weakness
Lord of Cowardice
Had you opened your eyes to see her, given them a chance
Perhaps they would not be burnt and blind
Had you let yourself feel her shine, the warmth and the bliss
Perhaps you would be stronger, perhaps you’d have her first dance

I,
God of Weakness
Am too strong to run, run, run away

I,
Lord of Cowardice
Embrace the light, I will not hide, hide, hide away

I,
The Disappearance
Am much stronger than you
I will have her first dance

Her light does not blind me
Clearly, I see
I see, I see
I see her kindness, I see it deny wickedness and evil
I see her tenacity, I see it care for the injured and ill
Are you lost? God of Weakness?
These are not qualities of a coward, nor are they found in a bottle
Therefore you would know nothing about them, slink away
Find your glass neck to throttle

I see, I see
I see her see injustice and face it with a fist and shout
Does that frighten you? Lord of Cowardice?
It does not frighten me
You have sacrificed nothing, you have fought none of life’s brawls or bouts
You will never know her, nor understand all that she can be

I see, I see
I see her cry
Cry to the plight of strangers
Cry to simplest of joy
You don’t know what you lost
When she cries, her tears are always to the beauty of life
Life emerald, ruby, and diamond- where her tears are where beauty is
More precious, as her tears cannot be corrupted by greed, anger and strife

Lord of Cowardice
You don’t know what you lost
Lord of Cowardice
I don’t know how to thank you, thank you for us both
When you ran, ran away
Slithered without a spine
She was lost and betrayed, she did not know her worth
When she became mine, I will help her find this
That is my trial, that is my oath

I saw, you see, what you could not see
For I am not a God
I am a man

I WILL LIVE AS A MAN
I WILL DIE AS A MAN
Like Dismas on Golgotha, I see greatness- but not of mine

I fear death, Lord of Cowardice
You fear life, God of Weakness
You do not know what you lost, nor do you care
I can admit that I do not appreciate the true worth of who I have found
You ran, ran away
Your pathetic legs making not a sound

I WILL LIVE AS A MAN
I WILL DIE AS A MAN

I will live for her
Die for her
Fight for her

I have faced death, I have endured, God of Weakness
I have seen unemployment, poverty, addiction, and every kind of bump and slice
I have survived suicide twice
Tragedy, death, hunger, and strife
These no longer frighten me
Fortune, fame, a fat belly and an easy life
These no longer appeal to me

The fires of passion and life
Have tempered me to stone
There is (No Vac)ancy for you, God Of Weakness
There is (No Vac)ancy for you, leave us alone
Though tempered stone I am, I am her rock
For her, I can withstand, I can endure, and can fight not flee
Your cowardice, your ignorance, your inability
I am glad you keep it far from us,
Glad that it will not corrupt

For our children will fight, they will endure, they will be strong
They will fight, fight towards
A future more bright, a past worth record
You, Lord of Cowardice, this is your last poem
Drunk, weak, and blind you will perish
To a bored congregation, and to apathetic hymns
Run, run, run away
To die as you wished to live
Forgotten.
To die as you wished to live
Forgotten in speech, text and song.