The bartender gave me his most sorrowful look as I limped to the bar.
He already knew what I wanted but went through the motions, perhaps out of pity, to ask anyway.
“What’ll it be?”
“That’s one for you and one for your friend over there?”
My hands wrapped tightly around the brews and I trudged back to my booth. I tried to prolong the trip back to him as much as I could stretch it. I wish I could just walk out the door and go home.
“Got the suds?”
Nearly three-quarters of Richard’s beer was gone in one greedy slurp.
“About time, man. I was dying over here.”
“How much longer do we have to stick around here for?”
“Until I feel like leaving. That gon’ be a problem?”
I stared at Richard. I stared right through his fat face and into his shriveled soul.
“Good,” Richard laughed. “Try to lighten up, would you? You asked me to hang with you, not the other way around. You used to literally drag me here.”
Richard slurped the last of his beer and gave me a “friendly” slap on the back that knocked the wind out of me. He was a large man and becoming less aware of his strength as he continued to feed beers into gullet at my expense. God, I hate this dude.
“Hey, Rich. I think that I’m gonna go hit the dancefloor, see if we can maybe find some women to hang out with tonight for once.”
“You think you’re gonna find a skirt, do you? By all means, then, Casablanca.”
I opened my mouth to correct him but decided against it. What would be the point? I sauntered towards the dancefloor and boldly hung out on the outside of the crowded throng.
As I awkwardly picked the label off of my beer bottle and did my best to stay out of Richard’s sight I could have sworn that I had heard someone speaking to me.
“Hello? I’m speaking to you!”
I recoiled in both the amazement that someone was talking to me at a bar and that someone was the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen.
“Y-yeah?” I sputtered.
“Is that your friend over there? The big guy?”
“I know him. Why?”
The instant that my sentence was over my face met a lukewarm and sticky assault. I could taste the lime and cranberry as her cosmopolitan dripped down my face and onto my shirt.
“If you or that pig ever comes near one of my friends again we are pressing charges. Last chance, perverts!”
She stormed off and I was left standing with a drink on my face, no money in my wallet, and alone in a room full of strangers. The only thing that I had was the lesson that I had learned: finding women at the bar scene does not work better if you have a Big Dick.